Out of treatment and going to day therapy. Fun. Found out that the doctors mis-interpreted what i said. I burned myself and cut my wrist again. I am a winner.

What short term goals do you have?

I do not like setting goals I know I cannot keep.

Discuss any and all progress you have made.

I told Berry the truth knowing what consequences were going to come from it.

What is something that makes you the most happy?

Ummm.... I said this on the other post kinda of but I forgot what I put there soooo......

I tend to fancy messing with Harman's mind. Do not know why.... I think it is because then I feel superior to him and considering he is like a god I feel pretty god damn good about myself. ha.

Do you know any statistics of self harm?

I look them up occasionally but I do not know them off hand.

What are some of your main triggers? Why?

When I fail. When I look in the mirror. When people look at me in the hallway. When I act "silly":). Mr. Harman. My family. School (more so lately). Looking on the internet. Being alone. Thinking.

What is your favorite inspirational quote?

I have many but the one that comes to my mind is:

"Yesterday is the past and tomorrow may never come"

Where do you feel most calm?

Calm? I do not think I am really ever calm but I am most happy when I am in history, sometimes, or when I am in Berry's office and we don't talk about serious things. Hhhmmmm... you know that split second when you wake up and forget everything that has ever happened? That is when I am most calm.

Have you tried to stop in the past? If so, what are you doing differently this time?

I did but failed, obviously. This time I am being more honest and open to try new things.

What is the most vivid memory that you have of self harm?

I feel as if it should be when i first cut with a knife but its not. I was at school and I left math for a supposed band lesson. During math all I could concentrate on was throwing my desk and killing everyone. Then the thought of "either kill yourself or kill everyone else in this world" came into my mind. I could not get the voices out of my head. I then got up told my teacher I had a band lesson and left. I ran to the restroom and just started crying. All I could think about was killing myself. After I dried my tears I raced to my locker and began to rapidly look through my backpack trying to find my razor that I had placed there earlier that morning. After, what felt like a decade, I found it. I rolled up my sleeve, with the voices still wailing in my head, dug the blade deep into my skin pulling downward. It hurt. My whole arm was covered with blood. It so very badly hurt. All I knew though, was the voices had stopped. Simply, I rolled down my sleeve and left my shirt to clean up the mess which was laid out on my arm. My own body, that I have just teared to pieces, throbbed. I fell on the floor clenching my arm. After a few minutes I picked myself up, walked calmly to the restroom, cleaned my arm and headed to my next class trying to forget everything that had just happened. Alas, the memory is perfectly etched into my brain. Also, besides this being the most perfect memory I have, this was the day I lost all respect for myself. Even though I did already hate myself, the last shred of deference I had was lost.

List five reasons recovery is worth it.

1) no more scars

2) no more embarrassment when people see cuts

3) so i do not have to lie

4) so Berry does not have to worry

5) so I can say "I am Fine" and finally mean it

Write a letter to the future, recovered you.

Dear Tia,

You are a lot stronger then you think you are. Good job! Never do it again.

Sincerely,

Tia

Do you know anyone else who self harms?

I "know" someone who did but I hate his guts. Always have, always will. I found out that he cut himself after I started doing it. Also, people who I meet online but I dont actually know them.

What advice would you give to someone about self harm?

Do not do it. It ruins your life.

Do you visit any websites about self harm?

Yes, many.

Is there anyone you consider an inspiration for your recovery?

Define "inspiration".

What is the biggest realization about self harm that you have had?

That it is an addiction. You can say to yourself that I will only cut once on this part of my body but then you cut twice, then three times, then four until your whole arm is bleeding. Also, even though I have been wanting to kill myself lately, when I first started cutting I could have easily killed myself accidently.

Where do you keep your "tools"?

My Razors:

- one in back of my phone

- one in make up case

- one in shower

- one at school in my locker

- four somewhere on my desk

- i have recently taken a fancy to knives so kitchen

Other:

- refrigerator lol

- garage

Strangest place you have ever injured yourself?

It's not that strange bbuutt.... at school, during history and religion class. Well, or, but I do not call this really self harming, in Berry's office (school counselor) I did rip my finger nail off.

I need a distraction so I thought I would do this: My Self Harm Story

How do you feel about your scars?

- it's a love hate relationship

How many scars do you have?

-dear god let me count... 67... wait nope forgot the hips.... 79

Do you hide your scars?

-yes

Has anyone ever commented on your scars?

-yes

What do your scars look like?

-ummm... normal scars?

What do your scars feel like?

-hmmm some bumpy some smooth

Do you look at your scars?

-yupp

Would you remove your scars if you could?

-maybe... when i have been recovered for a while...

Has anyone ever made fun of your scars?

-no

Has anyone ever been disgusted by your scars?

-yes

When did you first start self harming?

-12 years old

When you first started self harming did you have a reason?

-not a good enough one

What gave you the idea?

-my favorite book

What did you use to self harm yourself when you first started?

-... like a razor

How severe were your cuts when you first started?

-oh nothing but a scratch

How did it make you feel when you first self harmed?

-... powerful

Did anyone find out about your self harm?

- i told them

Did you tell anyone about your self harm?

-yupp (sucky mistake.. was not ready...)

Did you continue to self harm yourself once you started?

-yes sir

When has your self harm been the worst?

-now

What times have you turned to self harm?

-anytime something goes how it wasnt supposed to.. even sometimes when everything is right i still do it...

When did you become addicted to self harm?

-this year

Has there been a time when you could not go without self harming?

-yeah.. this year.

Where do you have the most scars?

-...left arm

Where have you self harmed the least?

-right arm

What have you self harmed with?

-...geez... my nails, scissors, screw driver, knife, razor, pencil sharpener, bat,...a wall,...milk, water, broken glass, staples, needles... probably more but i can't remember everything

How do you self harm?

-drink milk till i'm sick, burn, cut, pinch, hit, trip, probably more...

What are your reason for self harming?

-dear motherfucking god... the list could go till 100,000,000,000,000

Do you want to stop self harming?

-eventually

What triggers you to self harm?

- to be vague school, family, friends, life, ect.

If you could go back in time to when you first self harmed would you stop yourself?

-yes.

Have you lost friends because of self harm?

-kinda...

Are you ashamed that you self harm?

-kinda..

Who knows about your self harm?

-the people I for sure know are Jack, Malia, Morgan, Meghan, Madi, Fedock, Mom, Sister, Aunt, Dad, Ellen, Michael, Claire, Lucy, Lily (maybe but 96% sure along with Maria, Noel, Kailey, Harman, Meghan N., Becca) Tommy, Grace, Luke, Alex, Alex, Hester(Mr. and Mrs.), and Berry...wait fuck Schemch (don't know and do not really care how to spell) Murphy, and Linda

Do you self harm to punish yourself?

-yupperdoodles

Do you judge others who self harm?

-the only time i would if they do it because they are an attention whore

Where have you self harmed?

[x] arms

[x] legs

[x] stomach

[x] face

[x] chest

[x] hands

[x] feet

[x] other

How do you feel about your scars?

I do not mind them. What I do mind is how people look at them. That is why I cover them up. But sometimes I do hate them because I can't wear short sleeve shirts, I have to take the time to cover them up, and they prevent me from doing things. But then I love them as well because they remind me what I went/ go through every day.

Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.

I know this is weird but ya... I do not know really why I did take pictures... I guess because i kinda liked how they look.

What is the most supportive thing that anyone has ever said to you about self harm?

Why you do that? Your too pretty to do that.

List ten activities that help you calm down.

1) random chat

2) cutting

3) sleeping

4) screaming

5) playing piano

6) basement stuff

7) punching stuff

8) doing the magnetic puzzle

9) watching Frasier

10) ... it was hard to think of nine, i cant think of a tenth

What about self harm do you enjoy?

Well... this is a weird question because i do not think anyone really enjoys hurting themselves. But i like how you feel when you are done doing it. i hurt myself because i want to get my mind off of what else is going on and to punish myself and that is what i get from doing it.

What part of self harm do you dislike the most?

The judging, the fake "it will all be okay", and mostly, the ignorant people.

the judging: people assume i am a certain way

the fake"it will be okay": how people say this if they find out and pretend to care but actually dont

the ignorant people: this goes with addiction. people

think you can just stop and its easy.

its really not. telling a self harmer to not injure them

selves is like telling a drug addict, in a room full of drugs,

to not do anything. Also, how people say "i understand", no you

dont. Have you ever tried to kill yourself? Have you ever cut so

deep that it takes hours to stop bleeding? I didn't think so, so

shut up please.

Do you consider yourself addicted? Why or why not.

Yes. Very much so. Why? Because it is on my mind for hours a time every day. Whenever something wrong happens I think about cutting myself/ harming myself, and I always do.

What is your motivation to recover?

I really do not have a real reason to stop. I mean it is MY body so I should be able to do what ever the hell I want to do with it. I do not even think that I have what it takes to stop. I guess, just name a reason why I would, because then me and Berry can stop talking so she can stop worrying because I am not worth her worries. Also, I would want to stop so I can say there is nothing wrong with me and mean it for once *cough cough Harman.

What part of your body is most affected by it? Explain.

Well first of all... my left arm. I have maybe... well no I just counted 32 scares plus 4 words in it(Love, Die, Fuck Up, and Worthless). That is the worst place for my cuts but my entire body is also affected. I have fat written across my chest along with worthless on my stomach. I have ugly carved into my leg along with scares on my hip and a scar from when i jammed scissors into my right thigh. I also get very sick from drinking to much whole milk because i am partially lactose intolerant. So, when I will drink allot of milk to make my tummy upset instead of cutting (i prefer cutting). Also my feet suffer very very very badly from self harm. I have deep cuts on my feet that have taken years to heal. If i walk for too long my feet will begin to hurt allot and even some cuts will re-open. My foot also just healed from me kicking a wall. I have also sprained my wrist from hitting a wall and have had severe bruising on my entire body from running myself into a wall, falling intentionally, hitting myself with a bat, and even daring my friends to hit me because i "cant feel a thing when they do it." Finally, my fingers. I used to bite them out of habit but now i bite them till they bleed. Oh, and i cut myself on purpose when i shave. .....im pathetic

How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.

I started in seventh grade for a very stupid reason. I started because of Michael. He said something about how I am weak so I cut myself on my arm to prove that I was not weak. After that I got super depressed and I couldn't stop.